Okay, this may sound calculated but I’m going to ask you to do an analysis of your friends and put them into categories. Your time is your most precious resource and the people you send it with have an influence on your motivation, happiness, self confidence and other important identity factors. While YOU are the creator of your reality (and you must take responsibility for this), they have an influence (you can take responsibility for this too!). If you don’t stop to think about what that influence is and how you can use it to improve your life, you will be passively reacting to the social forces around you rather than driving the ship.

Did you watch the Ashley Madison documentary on Netflix (released March 2024)? To recap, Ashley Madison is a “discreet” dating platform for people looking to cheat on their significant other. Currently they have 70M members, and their tagline is “life is short, have an affair”. In 2015 Ashley Madison was hacked and the private data of its members was publicly leaked, leading to maelstrom of news coverage, ridicule, lawsuits, divorces and even suicides.

You’ve gotten real honest and decided your partner is holding you back. Well done, this was no doubt a difficult process. Now it’s time to be brave and take a stand for your future happiness. He might not like what’s coming, and you may care about his feelings. Here’s how to do it kindly.

You weren’t always like this. At one point, you were deeply in love, excited about your future together. But over time, things changed. Maybe life got in the way – kids, work, stress. Maybe unresolved wounds and resentment piled up, making you feel more like enemies than partners.

You don’t feel deeply connected anymore, but leaving isn’t an option—or at least it doesn’t feel like one. Maybe you have kids and don’t want to break up the family. Maybe divorce or separation would be too complicated, expensive, or painful. Maybe cultural or religious beliefs make you feel obligated to stay.

You and your partner may have something real—there’s passion and a sense that you could be amazing together. Maybe you’re new to each other, or new to serious relationships.  And it’s challenging, some might even say toxic. A drama machine. No matter how hard you try, you keep falling into the same fights, frustrations, and emotional wounds. It’s exhausting but you’re still here.

You’ve been together for a while, and the relationship mostly works, at least on paper. You don’t argue much, and day-to-day life runs smoothly enough. But under the surface, things feel flat. You’re more like roommates than romantic partners. The connection you once shared has slowly faded into routine, and while nothing is terribly wrong, very little feels inspiring, playful, or emotionally rich. You’re coasting, and maybe you’ve forgotten what it feels like to be lit up by love.

You and your partner may have built a stable life together, and things on the surface might look just fine. You don’t argue often, and you’re likely efficient at managing daily tasks, finances, or parenting responsibilities. But underneath the smooth logistics, there’s a noticeable lack of emotional warmth and romantic energy. Conversations stay surface-level, physical intimacy is rare or missing, and it feels like you’re both living side-by-side but not truly with each other. The silence isn’t hostile, it’s hollow.

You genuinely care for one another, but the demands of life have taken over. Between work, parenting, aging parents, bills, or the endless to-do list, your days are packed and your emotional reserves are running low. The relationship has shifted into maintenance mode, where the focus is on getting through the day rather than sharing meaningful moments. You rarely have time to talk, let alone flirt, laugh, or dream together. It’s not that the love is gone—it’s just buried under the weight of everything else.

You get along well, and there’s nothing wrong with your relationship—but you also know it could be better. You love each other, but you’re not deeply curious about each other anymore. You don’t explore new ways to connect, and while things are generally smooth, there’s a lack of depth, passion, or intentional growth.

On paper, your relationship works—you rarely argue, and you genuinely enjoy each other’s company. But beneath that surface calm lies a quieter issue: important conversations never happen. You sidestep anything that might cause tension, so problems stay buried. Over time, that emotional avoidance creates distance. The connection stays polite and pleasant, but it never reaches the level of vulnerability that brings true intimacy.

Maybe one of you has taken up new interests, formed new perspectives, or started wanting different things out of life. These changes didn’t happen overnight, but slowly, they’ve made your conversations feel less resonant and your connection feel more distant. You’re not clashing, but you’re not clicking either. It’s a quiet drift that’s easy to ignore, until you realize how far apart you’ve grown.

You genuinely care about each other and likely get along well day to day. You function as a team, maybe even as best friends or co-parents. But when it comes to sexual connection, things have cooled off. Maybe it used to be hot and heavy, or maybe it was never a major part of your dynamic. Either way, intimacy now feels awkward, infrequent, or like something you’ve quietly stopped expecting. You’re emotionally close, but physically distant.

You’re an amazing team, you’ve built trust, communication, and mutual respect. You support each other’s dreams and growth like true partners. But even great teams need to evolve. Are you dreaming together enough about the life you’re creating? Are you making sure your vision continues to align and inspire both of you? What more is possible? You’re here, so I’m guessing you’re curious.

You’ve built a stable, dependable foundation. Commitment feels easy and natural. You trust each other and know what to expect. But let’s be honest — could things feel a little more vibrant? Predictability is safe, but adventure fuels connection. Are you intentionally making space for surprise and play?

You’re that couple. People see you and want what you got – chemistry, attraction, and excitement flow easily between you. It’s a beautiful thing! Maybe New Relationship Energy is in full effect, but when those chemicals wear off, what’s left behind? Deep emotional intimacy requires more than passion. Are you exposing your whole self – fears, hopes, flaws – and feeling unconditionally accepted? What new dimensions of closeness could you explore?

You’ve Mastered Honest Conversations. Time for More Play

You are emotional intelligence powerhouses. You speak your truth, listen empathetically, and fight fair. Conflict doesn’t scare you, you handle it with maturity and grace. Amazing! But not every moment needs to be a deep process. How often are you laughing, playing, and being silly together? Connection also lives in lightness.

A step-by-step guide to working through the yucky feels and building something sustainable 

For a long time, I thought I was one of those people who couldn’t do non-monogamy. I believed that my boyfriends should be laser focused on me, and if they cast an eye toward other women it was disrespectful.

You want closeness. You want to feel chosen. You want ease, affection, shared goals, a touch of magic, and some damn space to breathe. But if you’re like most people, you may be reacting in ways that sabotage the very things you say you want.

You’re not a bad partner for wanting more, you’re just growing. And you deserve to have honest, expansive conversations, even the uncomfortable ones. This guide walks you through how to start those conversations with care, clarity, and a high chance of success. And at the very end I’ll share 2 unexpected, research-based tips that make you more empathetic and warm during those tough chats – things you can put into action today.