5 Things We Wish We'd Known Before We Opened Our Relationship

When my husband Michel and I opened our marriage 14 years ago, we did it the hard way excited, in love, and completely making it up as we went. It worked out. But looking back, there's so much we fumbled that we didn't need to.

If you're standing at the start of this, thrilled and a little terrified, thinking "okay… now what?" here are the five things we wish someone had told us first.

1. There's a whole community in your city. You just can't see it yet.

   Before we started, non-monogamy felt like something other people did, somewhere else. Then we started looking, and discovered a warm, thriving, surprisingly normal community right in our own city. Meetups, socials, parties, couples who'd become close friends. The people you're looking for are closer than you think. They just don’t know they can share their sexy secret lives with you yet.

2. "Opening up" means ten different things and assuming you mean the same thing is where it goes wrong.

   Here's the trap almost every couple falls into: you both say "let's open up," you both nod, and you're each picturing something completely different. One of you means threesomes. The other means separate dates. Someone's imagining a throuple; someone else just wants to get their freak on at parties. The hurt doesn't come from wanting different things, it comes from never realizing you did. Getting specific about what you actually want, together, is the single most important first step. I have an alignment guide with prompts for 7 essential conversations every couple should have before they take action… want it? Contact me by email and I’ll send it when it’s ready!

3. The conversations and community come before the apps.

   Everyone's instinct is to download an app and dive in. The couples who thrive do the opposite, they explore and learn first. About their boundaries, about fears, about what happens if feelings show up. It's less exciting than swiping, and it's the thing that protects everything you care about. Yes, some of the talks can get uncomfortable but it’s worth getting that alignment piece in place so you know what to expect from each other as things heat up. Think about it- when you write a marriage prenup, isn’t it better to do it when you’re in love rather than on the bring of divorce? Same logic here. Apps can wait a week.

4. You'll feel things you didn't expect and it's not a sign you've failed.

   Jealousy will probably visit, even if you're doing great. New connections can feel intoxicating and a little destabilizing. You might feel left out. Your icky shamey small self may surface. You may be contrary, reactive, shaming or controlling, None of that means you've made a mistake, it means you've stepped into new emotional territory. Self awareness, a little humility and a repair practice are the things that will get you to higher ground. Help is available too - reach out to me anytime, I mean it.

5. The most expensive way to do this is to wing it.

   Figuring it out through trial and error might be fun, and it miiiight not. Misalignment, avoidance, unhealed wounds surfacing, fights and suddenly questioning everything… Setting off in the wrong direction, even by a little bit, can cost you. These months of confusion, avoidable arguments, the near-misses that rattle your trust are avoidable. A little clarity up front knowing your style, knowing your first steps, doing your research, building community/friendships saves you from a world of pain. You don't have to earn your wisdom the painful way. We already did that part for you.

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   So, where do you start?

   You don't need to have it all figured out. You just need to know what fits you, because the right first step for a couple curious about swinging looks nothing like the right step for someone drawn to polyamory.

   [ Take the free ENM quiz]

   And if you want the full how-to for your style the specific apps, the conversations, the mistakes to skip, your personalized roadmap is right there when you're ready.

   Wishing you the exciting version, not the hard one.

   - Chloe