5 Things We Wish We'd Known Before We Opened Our Relationship

When my husband Michel and I opened our marriage 14 years ago, we did it the hard way excited, in love, and completely making it up as we went. It worked out. But looking back, there's so much we fumbled that we didn't need to.

If you're standing at the start of this, thrilled and a little terrified, thinking "okay… now what?" here are the five things we wish someone had told us first.

1. There's a whole community in your city. You just can't see it yet.

   Before we started, non-monogamy felt like something other people did, somewhere else. Then we started looking, and discovered a warm, thriving, surprisingly normal community right in our own city. Meetups, socials, couples who'd become close friends. The people you're looking for are closer than you think. You just haven't been handed the map yet.

2. "Opening up" means ten different things and assuming you mean the same thing is where it goes wrong.

   Here's the trap almost every couple falls into: you both say "let's open up," you both nod, and you're each picturing something completely different. One of you means flirting at parties. The other means separate dates. Someone's imagining a triad; someone else just wants to feel desired again. The hurt doesn't come from wanting different things, it comes from never realizing you did. Getting specific about what you actually want, together, is the single most important first step.

3. The conversations come before the apps.

   Everyone's instinct is to download an app and dive in. The couples who thrive do the opposite, they talk first. About boundaries, about fears, about what happens if feelings show up. It's less exciting than swiping, and it's the thing that protects everything you care about. Apps can wait a week. The conversations can't.

4. You'll feel things you didn't expect and it's not a sign you've failed.

   Jealousy will probably visit, even if you're doing great. New connections can feel intoxicating and a little destabilizing. You might feel a wobble you can't quite name. None of that means you've made a mistake, it means you've stepped into new emotional territory. The couples who last aren't the ones who never feel jealous. They're the ones who learn to talk about it instead of panicking.

5. The most expensive way to do this is to wing it.

   I say this with love, because it's exactly what we did: figuring it out through trial and error costs you. Months of confusion, avoidable arguments, the near-misses that rattle your trust. A little clarity up front knowing your style, knowing your first steps, saves you the version of this that hurts. You don't have to earn your wisdom the painful way. We already did that part for you.

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   So, where do you start?

   You don't need to have it all figured out. You just need to know what fits you, because the right first step for a couple curious about swinging looks nothing like the right step for someone drawn to polyamory.

   [ Take the free ENM quiz]

   And if you want the full how-to for your style the specific apps, the conversations, the mistakes to skip, your personalized roadmap is right there when you're ready.

   Wishing you the exciting version, not the hard one.

   - Chloe